Goodbye 2017

She is a fraction of the person she used to be.  She is less than the person she was in the summer.  That person rose from the ashes like a phoenix, and regenerated.  Climbed out of a deep hole and walked towards the light, not yet brave enough to sit on the edge with her legs dangling in yet.  It'll happen, they said  And she finally believed.  The light shone out of her mind and lit the way, and she finally believed.

As she made her way along the path of salvation, putting one foot in front of the other, positive thought in front of the negative, learning to put her best foot forward, the Universe has other plans and delivers the biggest blow possible, knocking almost all the air she has left out of her.  Its total devastation.  Total desolation.

Maybe naively, but she thought after the hole episode, her life would forever be on the up.  Why would the Universe wreak havoc over her so soon?!  The well she fell in, back in March...the water was extraordinarily deep.  She actively drowned for months.  Mind so waterlogged with pain, she was barely breathing.  Hyperventilation until heaving.  Terror filled her days preventing her from really living.  Just a hollow shell, with an overworked heart and struggling/tired pair of lungs.  It was hell.  She was a shell.

The new destruction threatens to bury her.  She worries she will end up back in the water well.  Although, this time she must find the path she was walking; that lifeline.  For she has two other souls to uplift.  And it becomes imperative that she doesn't let them sink.  'It is easier to build strong children, than to repair broken men,' Fredrick Douglas said.    She cannot afford to repair two others and herself (as selfish as it sounds).

Something about the wind changes, and she pushes on.  As the Universe would have it, whilst her head was turned, a piece of happiness was dropped into her lap.  Normally, she would not entertain such events, but this time her heart overflowed with love, and she jumps in head first determined to embrace whats presented.  Doubt did not arise, scepticism did not show its face.  What a wonderful feeling!  A blessing.  this must be life now.  Swaying slightly, but keeping to the path.  She could cope with this.  This was a breeze.

One week in November, the happiness dissipates at the hands of another's crucial decision, rendering her broken and useless.  Before she has time to grasp what has occurred she is cursed and demeaned, harassed and bombarded with cruel words of another, not to mention the arrival of a ghost from the past, stirring up ancient feelings and patterns.  Life from January 1st onwards flashes before her and as she relives the horrors of her year she realises she is absolutely broken.  Totally, utterly broken.

As her mind sinks all the way to the bottom of the well, the negative thoughts and feeling fall in at regular intervals like ingredients being added to a cauldron.  Someone is stirring.  Stirring her well.  She can almost hear the Universe cackle.  Who else is doing this?  With each stir, her belief in the higher power fizzles out that little bit more, until she is laying on the cold well bottom.  This time there is no water, but her motivation is just as barren as the structure.   She is floored.  

With nothing but a pocketed pen and paper, a voice of brightness jumps in beside her and instructs her to list the words she would offer a friend in the same position.   The words that would save a life.  Save her life.  The writing continues after the list.  One sheet of paper turns into reams of notes, stories, lyrics, bars and poems.  Sometimes all in one piece.

Because words are all she has you see.  The darkness has shrouded her from anything good, from all that she may be, and left her with nothing.  But she has her words.  Words are how she must drag herself up and out of that well.  Words will encourage her to see the truth in between her sentences and work through her feelings.  The flow of her words into magical drafts of fiction; in to amazing scripts of advisory writing, and informative pieces. 

Her way with words has remained...and that is what she will walk out of 2017 with.

Much Love, EL x

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